My Efforts

My efforts are going to the dismal dumps.  When you crush a soda pop can with your foot the metal collides together like the bellows of an accordion until the volume is now flat.  My words feel like the bellows taking their first breath in and when the words and the breath met they created pitch, a frequency strong enough to shader the vessels around my mechanical heart.  Mechanical because I feel as if it has a routine and gears on it bring the heart to go in cycles but all of the cycles push the blood towards my wounds, and wounds have healed when they are physically inflicted, but what about the scars on my brain?  I can remember everything that I did for you and I can remember the feelings I feel for you and even if nothing comes of it I will always love you because you are my best friend.  Why does compassion have to kill love when my love is a friend until the end.  She said I love you and life with you has never been better, but I use to be a suicide case so why does she tell me these things.  Why did I open up to her.  You see i drove the rubber off my tires so that I could spend as much time as possible to be forward with her, but she dose not get it.  I love life and I will sacrifice mine for hers without the bat of an eye lash.  I will always feel this way and have done everything I could to make things good.  She tells me things are okay and that nothing has changed and that we are still best friends.  She tells me this but wont give me the time of day when I will take away my life for her so that she can better understand the vigor and passion I put into us.

Update on way I am living.

Life has been a pleasure lately and joy is no longer a drop coming off the brim of a cup but an entire fountain with a beautiful display of coins on the surface.  The coins are head side up and each time I come in contact with them I place one next to my ankle touching my tightly woven wool socks.  These days the average is finally up to the worlds standards of a fifty fifty chance to get a heads or tail but I want more than this and so I still wait, but not much longer because lately every head side has been good.  I wish there were a word to describe how good but sadly our dictionary has not conformed enough to modern day language to find an adequate word.  Its been roughly a month since the one who I have loved gazed and took me and accepted me.  I feel like love is an over used word when you are in your adolescent years and entering into adulthood and I feel that the term should mean what it was bread to get across.  Not simply romance, romance is at the beginning with the twitter pated heart that bleeds for one person and then spreads across the floor until nobody is there to clean it up.  I am not talking about romance, but I am talking about love.  A romance and eternal hybrid that is based around friendship.  This is based around trust and openness with one another.  It is with physical and chemical attraction between two.  When you have agreed to poor out your souls to one another and you feel as if this is the one person on earth who cares about you for being you and who you are and not by look but by the actions you exemplify.  I love a girl to my definition, I think that life is hard though because when communication is all that you desire and too see her gorgeous face,  when all you want to do is tell her about all the beautiful things in the world and talk to her about life and how it can and will be if things go right.  All I desire is her voice or a slight appearance.  I will take every second or glimpse I can achieve and anything more than a second or two is worth praying to God directly after and saying thank you.  People ponder in the isles of lockers and gain the courage to finally ask you about her and they ask you to compare her to another.  Comparisons are just pointless though, because with this girl, this woman, things are different and every time I am with her is incomparable to even the greatest joy that the world can bring.  With the close of one day I dream.  In the morning I wake up and give myself at least ten minutes.  I lay down into my pillow and remind myself of why I Love this girl and what it is that just makes me happy and I give thanks, and if I am not disturbed by the pressing day forcing me to get on with my life I would be able to spend the rest of life knowing why I feel this way.  Repetition is a funny thing.  Repetition is born in these words because I can never convey the gratefulness I have to my Loving God in whom I trust for placing me here with her.

-Thank You  

firm foundation

Can you take twine and lash two twigs together?

Can you lash on another and another until the tower of babel sinks beneath its clustered light?

When each strand of the planted material is loosened because it breaks under the pressure exerted on it from the force of gravity weighing it down and salt drops fall from the crease of your lower eye lid because what you love and created is now a fire pile on the ground.

newton is a great guy but sometimes he just holds me down with his laws and rules.

I dreamt of the far ground over there.  It is about 200 yard from me and I am on a cliff, a cliff hanger that dropped off because the passion was going nowhere anytime soon and I did not have the energy or patience to wait.  

Have you ever seen a paranoid man?  Is he there when the mirror stairs into your eyes with the same intensity that you gaze into the reflected glass piece?

Patience and waiting..  Preoccupied and stating because the beautiful aroma from what I imagined is there, its here, in front of my very face it stands.. she stands in front of me now and she misses the one who treats the ground in front of her with harsh foot placements and I was there with a love to place down like an endless strip of my soul to fall in front of her because I cared and secretly I wanted to pull it away so that she could see that the one she was following was leaving uneven soil for her thoughts to run on, and stumble.  I will do anything to prevent a bruised scuffed knee though and so I continued to let more and more of my soul fall before her feet, but I was in love with the thought of being in love.  She was the one though and I feel like I am to immature to realize it but with her cast of light that wrap my heart I still love her and so now I pull the smooth path for her to find the rigid earth surface and realize that he deceived her.  She realized this and now steps back onto where she knows a smooth path is available and waiting for her.

Twigs and twine with a lashing between is not for the strong and that is why it fails and I use materials of strength to achieve and hold what I love most and so I see a rope and bars and chains and cement lying in the dirt.  I built the foundation and I was a rock for her because for her I cannot change because   I would rather suffer a knife blade scraping down my back then build my love on the sand.
I waited and I was patient and I love her and I finally replaced my windows with walls so that I am finally visible from the inside, and not some translucent voice trying to get through where the white noise was present.

Blossom

Breath drawn in through my lungs and I am happy.  Happy because a blossom is blooming in front of me and it is spring.  Happy because the blossom is beautiful and I have been waiting.  Putting in effort and realizing that I could do nothing to bring it up except for wait.  When days stretch and new bulbs are hatching and springing from the earth.

I waited.  

I waited because the others coming up were a distraction.  With a pale of water weeds suffocate the lungs of my happiness and I settle for less.  I lowered life to ground level so that the grit on the dirt was the only texture I could view.

I waited though.

You see when you wait something can happen..   A blossom can bloom.  The blossom is no longer a blossom and the leaves are that of a magnificent orchid.  Through its veins the orchid bleeds.  Bleeds with a beauty and an acceptance of life.  latching onto me the spring brought beauty takes me in and I have been waiting for it to recognize me.

Did you know? (Dam)

Did you know that your killing her?
yeah the mother of the forest, the lady of the land, mother nature... she will die.
You put a Dam where her rivers and endless waters flow.  
Do you know what dams do?
A dam blocks water in sections to control the water flow and to give a natural turbine rotation that provides our human lives with energy and power.
Sound good?
A dam makes reservoirs, large bodies of water to vacation by.
Sound good?
A dam makes a wall to kill fish migration and to destroy foliage.  The trees and stones and animal homes get buried by large masses of water potentially killing many species and varieties of animals, insects, and and other life thought or sought for.  A dam pushes there homes back and forces with the only persuasion being death or suffering.
Sound good?

Breath

Breathing, breath one was not the time I came out of the womb or even the time that I learned what breathing was.  No, breath one was the time that I realized that I was alive and that life actually has meaning and purpose.  When I realized that I am not just another figure in a large game board being played by the creator but when I looked at a choice and really thought about it.  When I realized that I have the agency to choose what I wanted to choose.  There is nobody pulling me in a direction except for myself because whatever sound appetizing and delightful is probably the thing that I will chose depending on the consequence.  In a made up statistic of 100 percent of people,  nobody faces every challenge and always thinks about the outcome.  We always have blinders on when they need to be off and sadly our peripheral vision sucks.  I look at the consequence every time.  Every single time except the time that I look at it, is usually about a few seconds after it is already too late and I cant take back what I have done, but you know thats just living.  You cant sit and worry about the past when all you have to look forward to is the future, so you may as well make your future good and do it right.
Breath its alright.  You made a mistake but all you can do is be ready to make the right choice next time you face the same challenge.  Breathe in and the out,  such a perfect system.

Bringing life up to date

So I thought I would let you know that I found the person.
You know the one...
With a blink the world sets and the sun falls across the cracks on the Rockies.
When I reveal my glazed over iris back to the light the moon has passed.
Whether it was waxing or waning I am unaware maybe i should pay more attention.
Some people in this society have placed me into a group; a classification that just helps there mind make sense of what seems weird to them.
Obviously this puts the thought into my own head that I am weird, and well... I am.
Lately I have wondered if my life is heading in the direction that I want it to and I guess I have not yet seen a turn back or dead end sign so I will take that as the universes way of telling me that I am semi on track, I hope.

I found her

I found her
I found the one who likes me for me and not because of a title or genre I fit into
The one who lies next to me and wraps her arms around me living each second together as if it is going to be our last.
The one who tells me what she thinks who was not afraid to be herself around me from the beginning. 
The one who I asked me to propose with a grass ring because its not the material that mattered it was me.
The one Who has the same answer to a question and then expands it into something beautiful.
The one who makes me feel like a kid and feel ready to conquer the world at any second.
I found her and I am not letting go.

alright so its time to get it out

I use to be a wreck.  I was excellent at hiding it and putting on a false smile and pretend that I loved life.  I was perfect at walking through the door of my house and making people feel welcome and talking to people with a perfect calmness and not a glimpse of true emotion visible.  I use to be depressed.  Who are you to judge?  I had no reason.  My life was perfect I would come into life each day and wake, people would hug me and make me feel good,  my family was stable and my influence was good, my home was warm and I had meals for my day, but I came home in a car.  I use to think about life and how hard it could get.  I would stress about the things that haven't even happened yet, and may never happen.  I would sit in the car knowing that with the turn of a steering wheel in the right direction at the right speed I could die and somehow I would have been fine with that.  I would come home and honestly just sit my friends would joke about nooses but they did not understand that one was tied to my shower head.  They talked about people dead as if it was no big deal and so society put it in my head that death is not a big deal.  Bullets in my hand or hands on the wheel, I could have done it at any moment and I knew people would miss me but I got it in my head that it was only a temporary thing.  I put evil in my mind and when the light was every where around me I still felt like I was walking beneath a darker shadow.  Death, it was a constant thought not every day or few hours but every second that my cognitive process was functioning.  I love life though and so I flipped; I do not know or why I went through that stage and I pray to never go back.  I think it is because in that time I saw the dark and I realized how much the light meant to me and how much my christian beliefs really matter.  I am grateful for life and for every breath seeping into my lungs I say thank you for being you.

narrowed vision

As the adhesive water molecule falls onto my forehead I can feel it making the journey down the creased age telling wrinkles.  Each year brings more and my vision is fading.  The peripheral angle at which I saw my family raise one another and people doing good in the world is slowing diminishing.  I look now and it is as if straws have been glued to my pupils and my iris fails to react with my vision.  I just sit now and only see the bad; the pessimistic society where my half empty cup is getting lower.  One day life will break my narrowed vision away and at that time I will die because I want to die when life is at its peak of joy, that way I remember my last moments with no regret.

change in seer

So I thought I liked you and then I realized that it is pointless to have the emotion in your direction.  While I am busy pouring my thoughts into stress stained bowls with crack compression in on me as I am dropped and shattered.  You can try to get my pieces back together but my roughed edges will pierce your finger tips and make you bleed.  A drop on society will make you realize what you had and that was me, but now I sit on a shelf not even worthy for a misfit thrift shop waiting to be seen.  Another has found me and picked me up.  They handle me with care and they speak what I call blunt and I love it.  Water can fill my pours and air can seep into my soul because even with another drop, shatter, or scuff, I know that I am taken care of because someone new has seen me and they have been looking the entire time.

So I Sit

So I sit.
You tell me to stand and face the brunt look on my fathers face, so I sit.
You asked me to put my emotions ahead of instinct and let anxiety get in the way, so I sit.
You tell me to to get up and actually achieve something for once and maybe meet a beautiful girl, so I sit.
You asked me to kick depressions behind and force happiness down my lungs until I choke on life, so I sit
You tell me to do these things, and they have me sit but when life tells you to sit I think thats a hint to take a stand.