alright so its time to get it out

I use to be a wreck.  I was excellent at hiding it and putting on a false smile and pretend that I loved life.  I was perfect at walking through the door of my house and making people feel welcome and talking to people with a perfect calmness and not a glimpse of true emotion visible.  I use to be depressed.  Who are you to judge?  I had no reason.  My life was perfect I would come into life each day and wake, people would hug me and make me feel good,  my family was stable and my influence was good, my home was warm and I had meals for my day, but I came home in a car.  I use to think about life and how hard it could get.  I would stress about the things that haven't even happened yet, and may never happen.  I would sit in the car knowing that with the turn of a steering wheel in the right direction at the right speed I could die and somehow I would have been fine with that.  I would come home and honestly just sit my friends would joke about nooses but they did not understand that one was tied to my shower head.  They talked about people dead as if it was no big deal and so society put it in my head that death is not a big deal.  Bullets in my hand or hands on the wheel, I could have done it at any moment and I knew people would miss me but I got it in my head that it was only a temporary thing.  I put evil in my mind and when the light was every where around me I still felt like I was walking beneath a darker shadow.  Death, it was a constant thought not every day or few hours but every second that my cognitive process was functioning.  I love life though and so I flipped; I do not know or why I went through that stage and I pray to never go back.  I think it is because in that time I saw the dark and I realized how much the light meant to me and how much my christian beliefs really matter.  I am grateful for life and for every breath seeping into my lungs I say thank you for being you.